If you are here, there’s a high chance that you just had a breakup and you want your ex back, because otherwise why would you want to know about the famous no contact rule.
So, whatever may have been the reason…
There’s no denying that,
Breakups are hard… very hard. It seems like the end of the world and the pain of a broken heart seems impossible to bear.
So, what do you do?
Rush back to them and beg them to accept you again…
Well, you have tried that… haven’t you?
Did it work? Definitely No.
So, this time cut off all communication and let the no contact rule come into force.
Yes, it works!
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What Is The No Contact Rule?
What does No Contact rule actually mean?
It means just what it says… NO. CONTACT.
absolutely no communication between you and your ex.
Not just, I will never talk to them > It’s just one phone call > I don’t care about them > Let me message them one last time.
NO! No contact rule means –
- No text messages, not even once.
- No phone calls, not until the no contact period is over.
- No emails, not even from a fake account.
- No social media stalking
- No “accidental” meetups
- No commenting on their pictures
- No Facebook messages, Whatsapp or any other way of IM.
- No checking up on them via mutual friends.
- No calls to their mother or friends
- No visiting to the same places you had good memories
- No replies to their texts/calls
- No swiping through your old pictures with them.
- No showing up on places where your ex often visits.
- No status updates directed for them
Long story short, anything that you do that is related to them needs to be eliminated from your life or it will break the no contact rule work.
Why Is The No Contact Rule So Effective? (Or Why Should You Use No Contact?)
Because you need time and space.
Time to heal… and space to find a new perspective to life.
No Contact works because it helps your heart and brain detox from the relationship and figure out several things about yourself and your relationship.
It makes you stronger, healthier and smarter.
So, now when the days of no contact ends, and you decide to get back to them, it’s not out of desperation but choice.
Couples in long-term relationships fail to do it because they haven’t lived any other way for quite a while. Thus, they settle even if it’s not what they want.
Now that you know why is the no contact rule so effective, there’s one question that must be lurking in all your heads –
Does The No Contact Rule Work?
The no contact rule works. Always works.
Why? Let’s find out!
10 Reasons Why The No Contact Rule Works (Benefits of No contact rule)
1. Allows you to process the breakup
A breakup is an extremely emotional experience, it can suffocate you and destroy your mental peace. You can’t slosh it down overnight; you need time to process it.
If you leave the doors open for them to come and go whenever they feel like it, it will not only make things worse but also delay the healing process.
Implementing no contact and cutting off communication will give you just the time that you need.
It will give you the space to mourn, feel, and just be… and we all know how important that is, in a breakup situation.
2. You start seeing things clearly
Relationships don’t just fall apart mid of the day, there are a number of underlying reasons that keep building over time.
So, they didn’t break up with you because you had a fight – they broke up for all the beneath-the-surface things that led to a fight.
Relationships blind you and impair your capability to be objective.
The distance that comes with no contact simmer down your feelings and gives you a new perspective to see things clearly. You will then know what went wrong and what you need to do about it.
3. It gives them space and time to miss you
Breakups are usually followed by a lot of bitterness and angst. All they can think about is all the fights that you both have had and why it was not meant to be.
The period of no contact gives them time and space to get over these negatives and remember the good things.
Once they start to feel the emptiness, they will finally realize that they miss you and your love…
…and want you back!
But in this period if you decide to respond to their calls or texts breaking the no contact rule, you will undo all the processing all at once.
4. You learn to live with yourself
You must be feeling lost and broken in the last few days with literally no idea about how to survive without them.
But hey, here’s the truth: Life goes on. And yours will too.
But how will you know, if you don’t try? This no contact rule will help you remember what you are made of. You will learn to laugh without them, walk and live without them
Remember, it’s YOUR life, not theirs!
5. Prevents you from post–relationship relationship
Of course, you know what that is. The constant flickering between ‘I don’t want to talk to him/her’ and ‘So what if he/she is my ex, one drink does no harm!’
Well, it does. More than you can imagine.
Think it like this: You start dating > break it off > start missing them > get back together > realize that it’s not working (again) > Call it off… and it keeps repeating. This toxic cycle will neither allow you to move on nor find peace in the relationship. You need time – to think and heal.
No contact puts an end to this on-off relationship cycle.
6. Gives you the chance to open up to other opportunities
I know what you are thinking… But I don’t want to date right now!
Even if you don’t, cutting off all communication puts you back into the picture and you start seeing the world more clearly.
Sometimes when you look at what’s out there, the thought of having a healthier relationship can excite you and you might eventually start dating.
There are so many people who fall in love and don’t know how to find the way out even when it is turning unhealthy and toxic. In that case, no contact rule can be your lighting guide.
7. It allows you to heal
…and get over your ex.
Time heals… it certainly does!
But not when you stay in contact with them. Even time needs time… and space.
If you keep calling or texting them, there’s no way it will allow you to grief, heal or even understand whether or not they are the right person for you.
You will just keep missing them and the good times that you have spent with them.
Complete blackout with your ex will let you discover new unexpected things, and eventually, you will start to feel good about yourself and realize the negativity that they brought in your life, unnecessarily.
8. You find out who you are… without your ex!
In the run of keeping a relationship with them, you have totally forgotten the relationship you shared with yourself. You need to find that touch again or else no relationship will ever be a success.
Don’t worry, it’s not your fault. All the fights and makeup, highs and lows, take a toll on you and you feel lost.
But to find direction, you need to stop them from putting you in the same spot from where you started.
How can you learn to light the candle on your own if every time that it blows off, they are right there to light it again?
9. The fantasy of a perfect relationship is broken
Fairy tales and rosy romantic stories often blind people with an ‘ideal’ definition of a love story… when in reality no relationship is perfect.
This leads you to build fantasies around your current relationship and when those are not fulfilled, you feel deceived.
Let’s be honest, it’s not entirely their fault… you have some role in it too. But, once you implement the no contact rule, you finally realize that relationships are not always as pretty as it looks.
There are days when you both are at your extreme low and if neither of you stayed strong, it’s bound to fail.
10. You learn to respect yourself
It doesn’t matter what was the reason for a breakup, you still call them again and again… asking them to get back.
As bitter as it sounds, it still needs to be heard: It makes you look desperate.
There might be loads running in your head that you want to share with them… but now is not the right time. Please don’t do it.
Implementing no contact will prevent you from calling them again and again and since you spend time working on yourself, you find your worth and learn to respect yourself.
Remember, it’s always better to walk away with dignity than stay in dishonor.
Now that you know that the no contact rule actually works and why, let me address one of the most common questions about this rule.
Does The No Contact Rule Work only on Men?
No contact rule works on both men and women.
But to men, it has a considerably higher impact, since the male mind responds to reverse psychology but a female mind doesn’t.
This means you just need to do the opposite to what he expects… So, instead of chasing him… just disappear.
It’s not always easy to understand what’s going on in his tiny little brain… So to help you, here’s a detailed dig that will help you understand the male mind during this cold turkey period.
No Contact Rule Male Psychology
1. “It’s so much better”
In the first phase, he will actually feel like a bird who has just found his new freedom.
He might also go for an all-boys night out to celebrate the best decision of his life – being single. He will play it tough, in fact really feel tough in the first few days, post-breakup.
But hey, that’s only until the realization starts to kick in.
Be patient and don’t contact him yet… he will soon start to wonder why are you not coming back.
2. The sudden change will leave him confused
When you started dating, he would try and be this ideal boyfriend on his toes at all times.
Soon later, it starts to wear off and since you chased him every time, he expects you to be at his beck and call 24*7.
But this time, he will not get it.
…and that will confuse him.
The brimming confidence in you will make him feel weak and he will start missing you.
3. Curiousness will kill him
Now that you have closed all the doors, he will not be able to keep a tap on your personal life and that will make him feel helpless.
He will keep wondering whether you miss him or if he has been replaced or are you really happy in this no contact period… and when he fails to find the answers.
…fear will creep in. The fear to lose you.
That is when he will try to break the walls and reach out to you.
No. Don’t give in. Stay strong.
4. Silence will get to him
Yes… it’s time for him to taste his own medicine!
For all texts and calls, he left unanswered, now that you give it back to him… it will bruise his ego.
To gratify the wound, he might also rush into a new relationship in a hope that you will come back to him. But no, you will still hold on and that will piss him off.
Gradually, the anger will subside and he will get back.
5. Right time will teach him the right lesson
No contact rule takes time. Relationship coaches recommend at least 30 days for it to enforce. In the worst cases, it might also extend up to 45 days 60 days or even 90 days.
If you lose patience and reach out to him, breaking no contact, before the stipulated time period, it will not work.
Give him time to realize your absence and follow all the rules for the recommended time period. Trust me, he will come back… and this time to stay.
6. Your absence will be heard
Oh yes, and he will miss you… a lot!
He has been missing you all this while but this time he wouldn’t shy away to make it evident.
He will keep texting you even when he is getting no replies, reach out to your mutual friends and ask about you and keep an eye on your relationship status.
This is all because now he is scared to lose you.
7. He will fight for you… not with you!
Finally, he will feel regretful and do everything to get you back.
The emptiness will take over and he will miss the way you made him feel. Pride will start to fade away and for the first time, he will do all that he has never done only to win you back.
But how will you know it’s working?
Well, here’s how!
7 Signs The No Contact Rule is Working
No contact is real effort. So, if on the way, you are clueless about its impact on your ex, you will run out of motivation and end up contacting them.
So, instead look for these 7 signs and you will be assured that your efforts are not going to waste.
#1 Your ex is trying to win you back!
Obviously! If they are always in the eye of getting hold of you, what else does that mean?
Since you have taken away their freedom to knock on your door, every time they feel like it – they have been getting anxious day by day.
They will try every option to reach you – calls, texts, social media or even emails. But don’t give in – not yet.
Wait for some more time, let the no-contact rule do what it is supposed to do.
#2 Your social media accounts are flooded with them
Because what better way to know what you’ve been up to?
Facebook, Instagram, or even Twitter, your notification bar is always about them. This is mainly because they wanted to know what has been going into your life.
The no contact rule has made them very curious and they will try all their might to trigger you – go on a spree of liking your pictures, comment relentlessly on all your pictures and even drop DMs every hour of the day.
#3 People pay more attention to you
Oh yes, you attract people like never before because who doesn’t like a person gleaming in confidence…
Relationship experts from all over the world commit that for a person to commit to you for a long time, you need to generate a fear of loss.
So, don’t shy away to post your sexy pictures on social media and watch them turn red in jealousy when they can spot a line of suitors waiting for you! 😉
#4 Me-time has become happier for you
In the beginning, we discussed how this is about you… this life is about you… your happiness is about you…
And I told you how difficult it’s gonna be, but not anymore.
You really enjoy being with yourself and don’t need anyone to make you feel wanted. No contact rule has given you enough time to grieve. Now you want to get back up and rebuild your life on your own terms.
Long story short, if you have started loving yourself, you know that no contact rule is working!
#5 The responses are prompt (very prompt!)
A lot of people believe the real sign it’s working is only when they reach out to you during the no contact period. That’s not true.
Their responsiveness after the long no contact period can also tell you a lot of things.
If they have become prompt than before, know that no contact rule has had a significant impact on me.
They missed you so much that they are now scared that if they are not responsive, you might again propose no contact.
#6 Your ex reaches out to your mutual friends (to ask about you!)
Isn’t this the story of every breakup?
Yes, but it’s more prominent when you have successfully implemented no contact rule. Your ex is curious but is still not ready to ask you things face to face, so instead, they involve a ‘spy’ which is most likely your mutual friend.
So, if your friend comes to you telling you that your ex has been asking about you, you know that the no contact rule is working.
Don’t pressurize your friend to blurt information from your ex. This will put him/her in a difficult spot and force them to choose sides… which is really not done!
#7 Gifts and surprises knock your door more often now
This is the star sign of no contact rule. If this is happening with you, the no contact rule is working like MAGIC!
There’s nothing better than your ex missing you so much that your mailbox is always full of their thoughtful presents.
Remember the times when you used to fight with them about how they take no effort to pamper you.
Well, now you are flooded!
All that said and done, here’s what you have been waiting for.
Step-by-Step Process to Implement the No-Contact Rule
Before you get into reading it, here’s a small…
The procedure mentioned below is just a road map to guide you through it. It’s not a definite route. So, if you feel there’s one step that will not serve the purpose in your relationship, you are free to skip it.
However, remember to not rush too fast as that will defy the purpose of no contact. That said, let’s now begin with the process.
Step 1: Hold yourself accountable and don’t make more mistakes
Usually, breakups are not just one person’s fault. It takes both of you to put an end to the relationship you have nurtured for so long.
So, going into no contact, you need to first ensure you don’t make more mistakes.
Take this time to think about all the problems that you both have had, reflect on them, hold yourself accountable for your faults, and promise yourself that you will not reach out to your ex.
Further communication can force you to say things that can make matters worse.
It’s going to be hard… especially when you have been with them for so long.
But if you really wish to get your ex back, you NEED to do it.
Step 2: Give your ex the space that they need
Let’s face it: Breakup means separation.
And if your ex has called for it, grant them the desire. Let them feel what it is to be single, a world of opportunities awaiting.
If you constantly keep calling or texting them, they will never be able to taste the freedom that they desire…
…but they will also not be able to feel the emptiness and loneliness that comes just after.
For people seeking breakup, the grass always seems greener on the other side but what they fail to reckon is that it’s very easy to feel lonely after a breakup.
The space will make them realize that.
Step 3: Reflect on what went wrong
No contact is not just meant to have an impact on your ex but also you.
For all the times when you both have fought incessantly, this is the right time to look back and understand what went wrong. Go beyond the surface level and identify the crux of the matter.
If required, list all the problems that you both have had… including their complaints. All means ALL. Even the tiny ‘You don’t get up on time’ can turn into ‘I don’t want to stay with a later-riser.’
This exercise will help you avoid making the same mistakes the next time your ex is around.
Step 4: Build a game plan
A road map that guides you through your entire period of no contact is extremely important. It will help you stay focused and prevent you from doing stupid things our of desperation.
An ideal game plan primarily includes three things:
1. A communication strategy to determine your conversation with your ex after the long period of radio silence.
2. An action strategy away from your normal being to make your ex understand that you are a changed person.
3. A goal minded approach to help you monitor your progress and win your ex’s heart again with small tiny things.
Make definite goals that meet specific objectives. For instance, ‘We will watch his/her favorite movie every alternate Saturday.’ Abstract goals like ‘I will be a more caring girlfriend’ will leave you mid-way.
Step 5: Work on your self confidence
Breakups take a great hit on your ego. For some it’s so worse that it feels like the end of the world.
Immediately getting back to your ex might further hamper your self-confidence, thus making you weak. No contact helps you bounce back from this zone and find some ground of your own.
Convincing your ex to get back to you will take real effort and if you are not confident about yourself and in your capability to keep them happy in the long run – there’s no way you will be able to do it.
So, stretch your comfort zones as much possible and learn to believe in yourself.
Step 6: Find out concrete solutions to your problems
In step 3, I asked you to list all the problems that cumulatively led to you both parting ways… now it’s time to find solutions for each of them.
There’s no point in listing the problems if you don’t start taking action.
Address each problem individually and list concrete solutions to each of them. You can also keep an alternative in case the first one fails.
Couples who overlooked this step jump into the same problems again and become one of those couples who sign for a breakup every few days.
Step 7: Let your ex miss you
The best way to do this is: Avoid!
Your ex was tempted with the freedom… so give them that but position yourself in places where they will be. For instance, buy the tickets to the event that they had planned to be, visit it and make sure they see you having great fun.
…but behave like you haven’t seen them or noticed them.
Put up their favorite dress and dance like there’s no tomorrow, let them remember how amazing you are… and then turn around and keep walking.
DON’T acknowledge them.
This will create a feeling of your absence in their life and they will start missing you.
Step 8: Make use of the holy trinity
Now that you have triggered the sense of absence in your ex… it’s time for you to be that old version of yourself that first led them to propose to you.
For this, you can make use of the holy trinity: health, wealth, and relationships.
Everything that you do for yourself falls in either of these three categories. To be your best version, you must work on all three and keep them on a high at all times.
Also, make serious efforts to look good. Buy the pants you have been eyeing for months, get a haircut, wear your favorite dress, put on sensuous perfume, and join the party!
Change in look will not only boost your confidence but also show them that you are evolving which will further create a sense of FOMO in them.
Step 9: Don’t chase your ex
Post breakups, exes usually expect you to chase them… and when you don’t, it pisses them off.
…gradually as the ego subsides, they start to miss you and eventually come back.
So, every day you get the urge to dial their number, hold it back. It’s time for you to regain control if you seriously wish to keep this relationship for the long term.
Even when they call you, refrain from answering just right up… remember, it should be your choice to start communicating, not theirs.
Step 10: Show your ex that you are not like the rest
Yes, now that you have changed and stopped chasing them.
You need to be the chase.
If they think you are one of the names on their ghost-exes’ list – prove them wrong. Show them how you are not like the rest. But make sure they know it’s not to get them back, but you are really a changed person.
How can you do that? Make changes they have always wanted to see in you but you never did it while they were around.
Say for instance, if they think you are way too lazy – sign up for some extra classes post-work and start being more regular to the gym.
Step 11: Attract your ex
You have done it before; you can do it again!
Once you have finished your no-contact, keep a healthy communication platform between the two of you. However, make sure you are cocky or ignorant.
Don’t argue for things that led to this breakup and be positive throughout your conversation.
They are going to doubt you for quite a while now, and in the meanwhile, if you are back with the old-you,they will think that this is again going the same way… and would never want to see you again.
So, Instead, offer them this new changed version of you who has learned the lessons from the period of no-contact.
Step 12: Make it a happily-ever-after
Now that you have proven that you can be trusted, it’s time to seal the deal and get back together!
Wait, hold your breath. Don’t rush into it.
Give them the time that they need but don’t expect an ‘I Love you’ straight up. Maybe, it will start from ‘I trust you.’ Don’t get disheartened, at least it’s a start!
And yes, this time don’t mess it up… value your partner and this sacred relationship.
Not everyone is lucky enough to find true love.
But that’s not all, there are also a few types of no contact rule depending on the situations of the couples.
5 Types of No Contact Rule
While the procedure of each is more or less the same, there are certain exceptions for each. Read on to know what are they.
1. Radio Silence or Definite No contact rule
This is the mass idea of a no-contact rule – Radio silence or absolutely no communication with your ex (read the definition at the top!).
Designed to get back your ex, the definite no contact rule also helps you heal and gain some perspective.
Since both of you have been together for a long time, you are addicted to your ex and like every bad addiction, this also needs rehabilitation. No contact prevents even a small dose of ex in your life.
2. The mild no-contact
The mild no-contact rule works pretty much like the definite no contact rule only it is designed for people who are not in a situation to avoid their exes:
When to use?
- If you and your ex live under the same roof
- If you and your ex raise a child together
- If you and your ex go to the same workplace.
What to do?
- Speak only what is necessary and don’t initiate. For instance, if you both work together, talk only about work-related topics or if you both stay together, talk about living arrangements and nothing else.
- In cases that they initiate the conversation, don’t shun them off. Be polite, reply point-to-point, and end the conversation.
- Don’t let them divulge into personal conversations. If they initiate a conversation that doesn’t need immediate attention, try to end it politely and tell them that you need space and time.
- Resolve conflicts calmly. Just because you are in the no-contact mode, doesn’t mean you need to yell at them for all the conflicts. Instead, stay calm and try to figure out a way. If you feel the anger piling up, end the conversation and start again when you both are in the right mind.
- Take serious actions in extreme cases. Since you both share one common unavoidable point of contact, it’s possible that they will try to do some unreasonable actions to trigger actions. Don’t shy away to take serious actions in these cases.
3. The Brief No-contact
The brief no-contact rule is primarily implemented to reckon the reason for the breakup and give it one last chance. Unlike the definite no contact, it only lasts for 1-2 weeks and is usually followed by definite no-contact on the event of failure.
When to use?
- If you never called it quits.
- If you never behaved needy after the breakup
- If you both broke up for a temporary reason
- If your ex is constantly contacting you or hinting you to get back
What to do?
- Remember the purpose of a brief no contact is to understand where your ex stands. For situations when they are still not sure about the breakup, it will help you in getting back together.
- Figure out the root cause of the breakup during the period of brief no contact, before you suggest a meeting with your ex.
- There’s not much you can do in the brief contact period but do whatever little possible. Read relationship books, work on your weaknesses, or maybe reflect on certain things – let them see that things will change.
- When you finally meet after the brief no contact is over, make sure you are straightforward about your intentions. However, make sure they know that you are not ‘asking’ them to get back. Start things slow and see how it goes.
- Accept it, if they refuse your proposal and shift to the definite no-contact rule. Brief no contact has very meager chances of showing results so if they didn’t come back, it’s time to start with absolute no contact.
4. The no-initiate no contact
Another version of No-contact rule, no-initiate no contact has comparatively relaxed boundaries where you are not allowed to initiate the conversation – however, there’s no bar on replying to their efforts.
When to use?
- If it is a casual breakup and they will not affect your mental health
- If you have never behaved needy or desperate after the breakup
- If you want to rebuild attraction without complete cut-off
- If you are dating someone else and they are just another option
What to do?
- Don’t keep waiting for their texts. Instead indulge in other activities, take care of yourself, and strive to achieve personal goals.
- You can end it whenever you feel it is the right time. No-initiate no-contact doesn’t come with any stipulated time period, so you can end it whenever you feel like it.
- Be mindful of your emotional state. This must not affect your emotional or mental well-being.
Bonus: When should you end it?
- When you have thought about your relationship and want to give it one more chance because you believe you both can be great together.
- When you want to continue only as friends. If this is the case, make sure you communicate only as friends and have informed the same to your ex.
- You can also switch to definite no contact rule if you are unable to keep up with no initiate rule.
5. The indefinite no-contact
This version of no-contact is for self-healing and looking for better opportunities after breakup. The meaning is simple: stop all the communication with your ex, indefinitely. Yes, you must never plan to contact them ever again.
When to use?
- If you really want to move on from your relationship
- If your ex was a toxic person and made you feel bad about yourself
- If you are feeling good after the definite no-contact rule and realize that you are better without them.
- If you have applied all the get-your-ex-back methods, but they didn’t work.
What to do?
- Let them know about your intentions and ask them to never contact you again.
- Don’t be afraid of a backlash. Toxic people feel helpless when they can’t manipulate you anymore and so do some desperate acts. Make sure you warn them about it.
- If things go out of hand, take serious actions, involve authorities, or anything else that is required to keep them in check.
- Remember, nothing is more precious than your own mental health.
No contact will be hard and you will often not know what you should do if not talk to the love of your life.
Don’t worry, we have got your back!
4 Things To Do While in No Contact Rule
First and foremost,
Live your life!
This is the time to do for yourself what you have been doing for them.
Shift your focus from them to you… and do everything you can to make yourself feel better. Remind yourself that you don’t need them to make yourself happy.
It will take time but if you just take one day at a time and do the following, the end result is sure to make you feel better.
1. Do some physical activities, DAILY!
The no-contact period will be hard on you especially if you have a habit to communicate to them daily.
By the time they come around, work on yourself… get your desired shape so that they feel guilty of leaving you.
Apart from that, physical activities release endorphins that will make you feel better about yourself.
You can either do it daily or if you are just starting, every alternate day is not a bad routine either. There are so many activities you can try and experiment with, like:
- A type of sport that you really enjoy.
You can also enroll yourself for some class if you fail to find the motivation all by yourself.
2. Get your social life back on track
They have been around so long that their absence now makes you feel alone… even though you are not.
No contact often forces you in a room curled up in the corner of your bed, reminiscing over the sweet memories spent with your ex,
Unless you take charge!
Yes, even though your heart says you don’t deserve a night out, force yourself out of bed and spend some time with your family and friends. They will make you realize how you are still loved.
- Call your friends and plan a night out
- Visit your family on the weekends
- Drop texts to your school friends
- Get back to your school crush you lost touch with
- Visit the new happening thing in town with your college gang
- Plan a weekend at your grandparents’ home
- Go for coffee dates after work
If you are obsessing on your ex too much, don’t go on dates. You will constantly compare your date to your ex and that will make you miss them more.
You have suffered enough.
Now, it’s time to pause and use this time to relax. Make yourself a priority and remember there’s no harm in taking some me-time.
You are going through a hard time in your life, learn to be gentle.
Reward yourself with a relaxing session every once a week, with something like:
- Take a spa from your favorite salon
- Go on a shopping spree
- Meditate in a calming environment
- Watch a movie all by yourself
- Do what you enjoy the most
- Take a relaxing bath
Anything that makes you feel relaxed will serve the purpose.
4. Work on yourself
No human is perfect. Neither are you.
So, use this time to improve and become the best version of yourself. Try to remember all the negative traits that they said were making their life difficult, work on them… so that when you both get back, you don’t land up in the same place.
Everything has a cure – jealousy, trust issues, or even communication problems – find out where you lacked and start working on it.
But like everything else, even No-contact has its own set of dos and don’ts. We just read the do’s, here are some don’ts.
What NOT To Do During No Contact (Mistakes To Avoid During No Contact)
Read the below points as warnings because if you fall in the trap of either, the whole no contact period will be rendered useless.
#Mistake1: Thinking about your ex 24*7
The entire purpose of no contact is to help you break out of the addiction of your ex… and if you watch every movement of your ex, everything will render useless.
Don’t do it.
Of Course you can’t help it immediately, you are bound to think about them for some part of the day but if you are continuously stalking their social media accounts, or worse keeping a check on them –they will know.
They will know how you are still obsessing over them and that one fine day when you are unable to take it, you will come back.
In the end, you are back to square 1.
No attraction, No efforts, no nothing.
So instead block all the sources that lead you to them. Make them believe that you are really indifferent about them and just vanish.
#Mistake2: Falling into the trap of drug-escape
When you are in pain, drugs look like the easiest way to subside that gaping hole in your body.
But here’s the reality: They make you worse.
It’s like putting a bandage on a broken bone. On the outer, it may look like its healing but on the inside, it’s getting worse.
The no contact period is to help you detoxify but if you instead fill your body with toxins from alcohol and drugs, it will make it impossible for you to heal.
Plus, do you really think, your ex wants to come back to an addict?
Drink in moderation and when you are out drinking, make sure you leave your phone back home or give it to your friends so that you don’t drunk dial them.
Finally, answering the most asked question about the no-contact rule
How Long Should I Follow No Contact Rule?
Of course, you want to know for how long you have to force yourself away from the love of your life.
So, the answer is that there’s no definite answer. It will depend on various factors like the duration of your relationship, how desperate you have been since the breakup or the type of breakup you have had.
Usually, people suggest a minimum timeline of 21 days which can extend up to 60 days or even 90 days.
However, Chris Seiter, famous relationship coach and author recommend only three lengths where each has its own pros and cons:
1. The 21-day no contact rule
According to Chris, the 21-day rule can work in situations when you know your ex will freak out if you continue ignoring them for long.
Say, for instance, a few days into the 21-day of no-contact, they send you several text messages that say, I am sorry, please just talk to me and you still continue with the silence, it might have a contrasting impact.
So, in that case, it’s better to get back together.
But if those text messages are negative, 21 days are not enough to make them realize your worth.
2. The 30-day no contact rule
This is the most recommended period of no-contact and often creates the desired effect.
If you think 21-days is the ideal time for you, you must still begin with a 30-day time period in mind. Check your ex’s reaction on the way and change accordingly.
If they have started to feel anxious and you are getting positive responses, stop at the 21-day rule.
On the flip side, if they still seem to be playing tough, move ahead with the 45-day rule.
3. The 45-day no contact rule
While other relationship coaches recommend even longer no contact period like 60 days or 90-days, Chris thinks it should not exceed more than 45 days.
This is because, on average, a human takes 66 days to break from a habit.
So, if you suddenly come back after 90 days of zero contact, chances are they have already broken out of the habit of thinking about you.
Remember, for the first few days it is going to be extremely painful. But don’t give it. Breathe, focus, and think of it as a struggle period to achieve something great!
FAQs about No Contact Rule
Yes, we all want to know when you can end the suffering…
But here’s a warning before I proceed to answer this question: Just because you know there are certain circumstances when you can end the no contact rule, doesn’t mean you will go around looking for these signs.
It’s only when these situations pop on its own, you must break it.
Coming back to the answer, it depends on many factors including:
-The duration of your relationship
-The progress of no contact rule
-Number of times you have broken up before the no contact
-Progress of your personal recovery
-Cause of the breakup
-Initiator of the breakup
-Communications from your ex since no-contact
Make sure you at least have positive responses from the list of above-mentioned factors before you decide to break the no contact rule.
Among these 4, it’s essential to have the golden factor that is you must receive some positive communications from your ex since you started the no contact. The other 3 can be any from the list.
So now, for instance, say you have been with them for about 4 years now + the cause of the breakup was very silly + you initiated the breakup + the golden factor = you can break the no contact if you feel really confident about it.
To answer this question, ask yourself the following three questions:
-Did that hinder my personal recovery?
-Did that make me obsess over them?
-Did that make me look desperate or needy?
But be brave enough, to be honest to yourself and you will have your answer.
Here’s a quick example to help you understand better:
Say suppose your ex saw you in a restaurant today… came to you… said Hi, how are you? and you replied Fine, Thanks and move. In this case, neither of the above three questions will have a negative answer which means it’s not really a breach of no contact.
On the flip side, if you utilize this opportunity to initiate a conversation with them that makes you appear desperate, that means you just broke your no-contact. So, what next?
Well then, there’s no way around it.
You need to restart. From Day 1.
Of Course your ex will contact you. Of Course it’s not your fault. But what happens after will be your fault unless you choose not to make it.
So, what should you do when they contact you? The ideal strategy depends on a lot of factors like:
-Progress of your healing
-Reason of contact
-Your mindset for reconciliation
-Your skill-set to solve the problems in your relationship
-Duration of no contact
Let me explain the impact of these factors with the help of an example:
So, suppose your ex texts you because they have been missing you and just wants to talk to you. You feel you are ready and confident about giving it another chance. You think you can talk about all that was broken and that you have done enough of no contact.
In this case, you can break the no contact.
But if you are not yet ready, either just ignore it or ask for some time until you can communicate again. Trust me, it’s not worth the risk. If you fail, you have to go through the entire cycle right from the beginning.
It’s definitely not going to be easy.
Infact, in the starting, it will be extremely difficult. Just a few days later, you will be often hit with a strong urge to call them or text them right away. But don’t give in and try to remind yourself it’s for the greater good.
But most of all, remember this is not because of your love for them but because of your addiction to him.
Even your mind will start to play tricks on you with manipulative thoughts – “Maybe, one text wouldn’t do a lot of harm” or “Let me just call them from a different number, they wouldn’t know”. That’s because your mind is agonizing for just one dose of your ex.
Take charge and stay strong. What awaits at the end of this struggle will make everything worth it.
Do everything that makes you feel happier or better but don’t contact your ex. If you do, it will further damage your chances of getting back together.
Over to you…
Just one last thing before I sign off: There’s nothing called fairy tales in real life, there are going to be tough times… it all depends on how you deal with it.
A happy and long-lasting relationship takes effort. Real effort.
So, when you both get back together after the no-contact period, make sure you don’t have to do it again!
Surabhi wakes up every day with a drive to craft words that can create a soulful impact. Creatively adventurous, she is always seeking to learn new skills and acquire new experiences. With a hidden soft corner for languages (especially Urdu), she writes poetry occasionally, binges on romantic shows, and LOVES to talk. A hustler, admirer, chaser, Surabhi is just another-someone who refused to give up on her dreams. She says, she is just somebody who’s trying to make herself a writer and for now, she’s just writing...