Now Reading
My Husband Hates Me: How to Save Your Marriage When It’s Falling Apart!

My Husband Hates Me: How to Save Your Marriage When It’s Falling Apart!

Updated on Aug 21, 2023

Reviewed by Julianne Cantarella, MSW, LSW , Certified Relationship Coach

My Husband Hates Me - 20 Signs & 15 Tips to Save Your Marriage

The divorce rate of the world has gone beyond 50% and that’s not even the shocking part. The sad part is that those who remain married to each other feel bad for staying with each other because one or both partners feel that the other one doesn’t love them anymore.

Thus, it is no surprise when women use the phrase, ‘my husband hates me’ to describe their relationship with their other half.

So, what should be done in order to change this attitude of both husband and wife? 

Well, when two people are married, it is important to know that every relationship comes with ups and downs, it’s how you respond to it and fix it is that matters at the end of the day. This article has been produced keeping the same in mind.

So, if you feel like that your husband hates you, then perhaps the ways mentioned in this write-up are going to be of some genuine help to you and your husband.

My Husband Hates Me - How to Save Your Marriage When It’s Falling Apart!
My Husband Hates Me – How to Save Your Marriage When It’s Falling Apart!

20 Signs your husband hates you

You cannot help your husband or your marriage to fall back together, if you do not know what’s causing the trouble between you two!

Thus, here are some warning signs that you might be right in thinking that your husband hates you.

1. No or lack of communication

One of the signs your husband hates you is when he stops communicating or talking to you the way he used to.

When there is tension between you two and he doesn’t care if the lack of communication between you two is killing the marriage, it’s time to save your marriage.

However, the communication gap doesn’t only mean that your husband hates you. It might be for some other reason –he might have lost his job or dealing with other life challenges.

It might take some time for him to feel like your husband, but he sure will be there as soon as he gets rid of his personal problems.

2. You argue more than you talk

You both snap at one another without sitting silent in a room for more than 2 minutes. If he is the one who often blames you for the problems in your marriage, then it is one of the red flags that your marriage is breaking and something needs to be done.

Feel free to talk to him and get to the end of the problem. If needed, involve friends or family as well to deal with the situation.

3. He takes you for granted

When you have talked to your husband about how you want your marriage to work effortlessly, and yet he doesn’t care or show affection to you, then it’s going to hurt you.

Your husband’s behavior shows that he is taking you for granted and isn’t afraid to lose you. He thinks that you will be there for him no matter what.

When it feels so, show him why your husband doesn’t have the right to do that to you. And he still doesn’t care, you should know that he was losing interest in the marriage for a long time.

It is suggested that you try to spend time with yourself, until he learns to start appreciating your presence in his life.

4. Hardly any love-making takes place between you two

It is not a good sign that you and your husband aren’t getting intimate with each other. It is even sadder if you haven’t made love for a long time.

On the top of that, your husband’s behavior contributes in making you run away from him. It requires a lot of time on both sides to make a marriage work.

If your husband doesn’t love you, there is no reason why a marriage should work.

You must leave your husband’s behavior behind in case you are feeling frustrated – do not put an effort in making your marriage work if he doesn’t care about the relationship that you two have shared!

5. You suspect him of cheating

The communication gap and doubt between you and your husband is such that you have started to suspect he is cheating on you or something.

When you ask yourself, ‘why does my husband hate me,’ please keep in mind that your husband is the one who is giving you a hard time and paying more attention to this other woman you think he is cheating on with you.

The sensible thing to do during this time is to stay away from him and focus your energy on yourself.

6. He gets easily irritated

Even if you are trying to have a normal conversation with him, he starts or tries to begin an argument with you.

This is also a sign that he is feeling insecure being around you. Also, know that he might have considered his life alone, if his marriage doesn’t work out with you.

You should also understand that a true husband love would come with abundance and love rather than emotional abuse.

Thus, you shouldn’t wait around for your husband to come to you and apologize for getting irritated at you for no reason at all.

7. Avoiding you all the time

A sure sign that he doesn’t like you is ignoring and avoiding you as much as possible. Maybe you are in the same place, but he looks for something else to attend to.

If you ask him, he may ignore you and start doing something else. This shows that the relationship has become bitter and may end for some good reason.

8. Blaming and scapegoating you

He blames you for every minute problems happening in the relationship. He speaks of irrelevant issues and commits to put the blame on you.

You are a scapegoat who has to take the onus of all the wrong things happening in the relationship. He makes you feel that everything is ruined because of you.

9. Less time at home

He hardly spends much time at home. Apart from his job, he prefers to visit his friends and other family members. He may also engage in outdoor activities like play, gym, or bowling etc. the motive is just to stay away from you.

When asked, he may either ignore you or accuse you for making the home environment toxic with everyday fights, quarrels, tension, and criticisms.

10. He abuses you outright

A must watch sign that your husband hates you is that he abuses you outright on your face; and even behind.

This is done with an intention to humiliate and insult you in front of family and friends. Use of abusive language and filthy remarks are quite common. Some usual statements are –

  • “You are pathetic, I don’t know how to live my life with you”
  • “Don’t you think that you are worthless? Why don’t you do something to upgrade yourself?”
  • “Have you realized how inferior you look in front of my social circle?”

His tendency is to demean you and make you feel unworthy as much as possible. This shows lack of love, respect, and intimacy.

11. No affection and love

It’s been days and months that are spent without hugging, kissing, and loving each other. There is no sex, no love making and none of the intimate moments that were shared before.

This shows your husband is moving away from you or not showing any signs of affection. He doesn’t feel for you and as such signals a failed marriage.

12. Forgetting important dates

If your husband is someone who is forgetful about some important dates that you people share, it may signal a mere disinterest and emotional apathy.

Once in a while, it’s okay to forget important happenings of each other’s life but if it’s a regular affair then you need to consider the intensity of love and intimacy in the relationship. Your relationship is not the same as before.

13. Marriage needs work

Your man never puts any effort into the marriage. He refuses to work on the problems that both of you are suffering right now. He is least interested to step a foot forward to resolve the issues and strengthen the bond.

It’s not a priority for him anymore. He avoids you and tries to give up on everything. It’s just like you people are staying under the same roof without any intimacy or productive communication.

14. He’s not missing you

Your man is not missing you in his life anymore. If you are out of the house for some reason, he doesn’t react much. He is not bothered to know about your whereabouts.

This lack of interest signals a failed relationship that needs a revisit and overall healing.

15. Lack of involvement in your life

He is not involved in your life. As if whatever you do is none of his business. He is reluctant to know about your whereabouts, how you spent your day, about your friends, family or anything else. 

He never joins you in social meet ups and family parties. This lack of involvement is a red flag that needs to be noticed and looked into with caution.

16. He is violent and physically abusive

It is not safe to be with him because he is physically abusive. He hurts you physically and you no longer feel comfortable with him. You are scared of him.

Typical violent behaviors such as hitting, throwing objects at you, holding hands tightly etc. This behavior should never be tolerated and you should move out of it without giving it a second thought.

17. Turning your children away from you

He tells bad things about you to the children and tries to win their sympathy. He makes you a family scapegoat who is always to be held liable for all the wrong things happening in the household. It’s done to create a distance between you and the children.

Children may misunderstand you and take their father’s side. This shows that your marriage is slowly falling apart to a place of no return.

18. Emotional manipulation

He may manipulate you by lying and hiding the actual truth. He regularly twists the truth and presents a different picture before you.

For example: coming back home late every day can be manipulated by saying work pressure, deadlines, meeting with the boss.

But the reality might be that he was spending time with his friends in a pub or was with some special friend who you do not know.

19. Too much of fighting takes place

You may feel that he is deliberately picking up fights at home. He is never happy with your commitment and abuses you verbally.

A lot of criticism makes you angry and both of you are fighting all the time, much more than usual.

Friction and disagreements have taken precedence over love and inner peace. There are frequent annoyance and constant fights that are affecting the house environment and is a regular source of stress for all others in the family.

20. Always busy with his own life

He seems to be busy all the time. Even if he is at home, he keeps himself busy either with binge watching a series or browsing through the internet.

He is least interested for a casual talk; as if he is too busy with some important work. He intentionally keeps himself occupied with something else.

He hardly makes a plan to be shared together. For him, you are just someone living with him in the same house. He just wants to avoid you anyhow.

Why is my husband so mean to me?

Watching a long-term relationship or marriage coming to an end can be quite heart-breaking.

Things get worse when a wife feels that her husband hates her, and sometimes can’t put a finger on any particular reason. This also affects the physical and mental health of one or both partners.

However, there can be a lot of reasons why your husband feels the way he is feeling for you. 

You cannot always put a finger on it, but you must get to the bottom of why your husband hates you?

The 12 possible causes to look into are as follows:

1. Love is fading away fast

Your husband is mean towards you and it made you feel that he doesn’t love you anymore but the truth is he loved you very much when the relationship started.

The spark of excitement and happy bonding is not falling in the right place now.

It can be due to ageing, work pressure, family commitments, career, inadequate sex and physical love and much more. Your love life is devoid of new things to excite him.

It’s fading away and as such he is not loving you in the same way as before. His emotions toward you have changed, otherwise he would have never been mean and disrespectful towards you.

2. Lack of care and emotional support

If he is treating you badly and disrespects you on a daily basis, it means he doesn’t care for you. It has become a regular thing now.

To make things work and start fresh ties with someone who doesn’t care even a little for your feelings may become impossible at times. So, accept the fact that he is mean because he is not bothered about your well-being.

3. Increasing stress

Excessive work stress may make him inattentive and cold towards you. The job load, deadlines, family responsibilities may be creating woes for him.

If he is a kind of guy who is not patient enough and blows up too often, it may be because of hidden anger, frustration that is getting manifested on you.

He has innate anger issues that are making him mean and indifferent towards you.

4. He feels rejected by you

If your husband is someone who always seeks attention, it may seem that you are neglecting him. In such a situation, he feels rejected and less loved.

If he is mean towards you, it means that he craves more attention and wishes to be spoiled all the time. Whenever he is not getting it, he becomes abusive and gets into arguments and verbal fights.

5. He has poor self-esteem

Do you feel that your husband is only mean with you and not with everyone else? It could be due to his inadequacies and poor self-esteem that makes him feel inferior.

You are just a punching bag to tolerate his woes and agonies. He demeans you because you are the only person available to vent out his negative feelings.

6. Selfishness

If your spouse hates and hurts you with his mean behavior too often, it is a sign of selfishness.

He hurts you for no apparent reason, abuses you with his harsh words because he is not bothered about your feelings.

Demeaning can be in the form of verbal abuse or constant nagging and complaining about petty issues.

Maybe he is going through some personal or professional crisis and being selfish towards you is just a coping technique to overcome his fears and insecurities.

7. Infidelity

One of the main reasons for mean and disrespectful behavior is his infidelity. Maybe he is hooked to someone else.

Probably he is unfaithful but not brave enough to tell you that the marriage is ought to come to an end. Being mean is a way to make you realize his true feelings.

His behavior is awkward and shows that he is no longer interested in you. He has become unfaithful and disloyal; maybe cheating on you deliberately to end things as soon as possible.

8. Misogyny

Don’t blame yourself if you find that he is a misogynist. There are so many around us but it is difficult to spot them so easily.

This hatred or prejudice towards women may be caused due to a childhood trauma, being raised by an abusive and controlling mother.

It can also be due to family scapegoating, narcissistic parents etc. Maybe they suffered exploitation by an ex-partner which has broken their trust and respect for women.

So, it’s their turn to take a call on you. The mean behavior is just a projection of childhood trauma and betrayal that they had suffered.

9. He is controlling you

Are you living with a controlling husband who always tells you what to do and what not? This is a reason for his mean behavior. He is a control guy and always creates a drama whenever things do not go his way.

Whatever you do is not enough for him. He thinks that he is the best and hardly cares about your views and opinions. At times, he hurts you purposely and feels happy about it.

10. He is a Narcissist

He is mean because he lacks empathy and compassion. Is he the one who never feels sorry for what he said or did? Does he show a need for undue attention that makes the relationship clingy?

Look out for these signs. If you find that he is probably acting like a boss and not a husband, be sure that he must be a narcissist.

No matter what you do to make them happy, they will never consider you good enough and surely show frequent angry outbursts.

They will always remain self-centered, arrogant, and haughty. He will always behave disrespectfully and shall continue to demean you for no reason.

11. Monotonous married life

Do you think that your married life has become very boring, a mere routine that has already lost its old spark?

This is one of the reasons that he is disrespectful and agonizes you too often. He has taken you for granted, and feels that the relationship has nothing new in store.

It is just like two people living together under the same roof without happiness and excitement. The monotony of married life can make him stressful and unloving.

This is a reality that no one tells you but everyone experiences it at some point in their lives. It has hit the boredom rut.

12. Hormonal changes in the male body

Imbalances in the level of male sex hormone testosterone can be a reason for anger and irritable mood. It causes emotional highs and lows.

They may start behaving irritably with mood swings, anger outbursts that are quite frequent and irrational.

You need to analyze the root cause of his unjust behavior before taking an appropriate action. This helps to mend the relationship gaps in a better way.

My husband hates me but won’t leave

Many women report that though their husbands hate them, they don’t want to get hooked with them but they won’t leave them. This is a complicated psychological issue that needs to be understood on the basis of certain character traits of the husband.

Many times, when a man abuses his wife, or feels that the relationship has ended, they start feeling insecure from within.

Though they know that they have lost the old charm in the relationship, still they do not fall apart from their wives. There can be multiple causes for this but the most probable ones are as follows:

  • He is abusive and derives a pleasure by blaming, shaming, and scapegoating.
  • The man is insecure and fearful from within. He wishes to hold on to someone more secure than him; though unknowingly
  • ·He fears that if his wife leaves him, will he get somebody else to scapegoat her in the same manner?
  • To maintain the social image of a perfect and loyal husband
  • He doesn’t want to give happiness and peace of mind to his wife
  • Though he is unhappy in the relationship, he never slams the door and walks out of the relationship, just to safeguard his abusive tendencies
  • He will never give his upset wife a chance to shoulder the responsibility of divorce onto him. He just wants to remain clean and as such he will resort to several delaying tactics to continue the unresolved conflicts for long

In order to know whether he is cheating on you with someone else, simply notice his behavior and patterns. For instance, if he is busy texting all the time, then perhaps there is someone special in his life, other than you. Also, he would change the passwords of all his accounts, laptops and cell phones and doesn’t care to share the same with you. This may or may not happen. However, in most cases, it does happen. Keep looking for other signs as well, he would always drop some. Now that you know some of the sure shot signs that support the argument ‘My husband hates me,’ it’s time to jump on the solution – ‘what do I do if my husband hates me.’

What to do if your husband hates you

Now you know some of the signs that direct to the fact that your husband hates you. However, this is entirely part of the process to remind him of your worth and save your marriage.

From physical touch to professional advice, these 10 suggestions are definitely going to help you in understanding all that’s causing trouble in your wonderland and get you and your husband through it all!

Now, what are things to do if your husband hates you? Read on!

1. Communication

When it comes to saving your marriage of any kind, then perhaps the best way is to improve communication. You can communicate—the good, the bad, and the ugly!

Even if you are married for 15 years or more, do not hesitate in putting across your points, no matter how hard or difficult it is for you. In fact, the most difficult conversations often bear the best results.

Thus, it is important to keep your ego aside once and for all, and strike the conversation with him, every time you feel the need to do so.

Remember, communication is the key to a happy and well-maintained relationship, marriage included.

2. Take up each other’s interests

When you first started seeing each other, or in the first few years of your marriage, remember how you took interest in learning more about each other’s passions?

Well, if you feel that your marriage is falling apart, then perhaps doing things that your partner would enjoy is one way to do it.

For instance, if your husband is into watching sports, then perhaps you can set up a date night in your living room and watch the next big match with him. This would change the energy between you two and who knows, even improve the relationship.

Also, make him do the things that you enjoy, such as dancing, watching movies, or baking. Remember, it goes both ways, the responsibility to make your partner feel happy and make the marriage work.

3. Learn something new together

There is no limit to learning new things in life, and when you have a partner to take up new things, the fun is doubled. How about going on a date to that restaurant where you first met?

Perhaps, go for a weekend rendezvous with your husband to his favorite place? Maybe, try a new sport or extreme adventure, such as bungee jumping or kayaking.

Once you are done with learning or doing something new together, let your husband know that you had a great time with him and that you were missing the adventure with him.

For instance, “Last night was ecstatic! I would love to do it together with you soon!” Chances are that he would respond to you in the same way. If he does so, then your marriage might have a good chance to be saved.

4. Take care of yourself

On your quest to save your marriage, it is also important to take care of yourself. So, set out some time to prepare yourself for the big responsibility of saving your marriage.

Believe it or not but running a successful marriage demands a lot of emotional and physical strength from an individual.

Amid all this, do not forget to book that spa or hair appointment or your yoga routine. It is important to do that to deal with the pressure of the marriage without losing your head.

5. Be understanding of the situation

Sometimes it’s not your husband who is the problem, sometimes it’s you. So, when your husband tells you the reason behind the problems that you both are facing, together and individually, then pay attention and listen to understand, not reply or argue.

At the back of your head, know that this marriage can still work out for the best and that you both can still fall in love with each other.

So, please remember that your man might not hate you but just be upset with you for not understanding him and his needs better.

Sometimes, in our own pursuit of living and focusing on our lives, we forget about the needs of our partners. So, it is important to discuss all sides of marriage problems with each other.

It is comparatively hard for men to express their emotions and feelings to other people. Thus, it is important for you to listen to him and understand him when he is trying to express an emotion.

When you tell him that you are all ears for him and want to know what’s going on in him and would love to reach a solution to the problem with him, he might open up more and who knows, fall in love with you even more than before.

6. Be honest with yourself and him

When it comes to keeping up with both personal and professional life, it is important that you remain honest with yourself and others.

The bottom line is that you and your partner, both must stay as honest as you can be, with each other.

For instance, if you think, ‘my husband hates me’ often, then sit with him and mention the same to him.

If he cares about you, or there is love left in the marriage, then he will surely understand you and be ready to work on the marriage with you.

However, you must also be ready to listen to all that he needs to tell you. Be ready to listen to him because he might say some hurtful things to you as well, such as, “You don’t love me anymore.”

You must remember that it is just how he is feeling at the moment and he loves you deep down.

7. Consult a marriage counselor

There is no shame in taking professional advice in order to save your marriage. If you both are willing to make it work, then visit a marriage counselor and learn new ways and tactics to improve your relationship with your husband.

This will also be a good time to discuss the point that you will like as if your husband hates you.

The counselor will help you both in reaching a solution and bring more clarity in your lives. Seeking professional consultation from a counsellor will indeed be a stepping stone in saving your marriage.

8. Address all the issues

If you have suffered mental, emotional, and physical abuse, then the most advisable thing to do is leave him.

However, if you are still stuck on saving your marriage with your husband, then it is crucial to address all the problems that you both have with each other.

Make a list of all the issues that you both have and then, discuss the same with each other.

9. Remind him of old days

It is also important to take your husband back to the memories that might make him smile.

Playing a little psychological game in order to save your marriage can turn into your favor very quickly. Think of all the things that you used to like about him and make a list of the same.

When you both get time, sit with him and let him know about this list. Chances are, he will ask you about the content of the list and when he does, do not back down from reading them all to him. It can do real wonders in your favor.

10. Compliment him

Be his full-time supporter, no matter what. This is certainly the best way to get close to him and remind him of how good a person he is and that you still love him and want to work things out with him.

Who knows, this might cause a reaction in his heart as well and he understands that no one in the world would be more perfect for him than you.

He might also remember all the things that attracted him to you and how much you truly love him and he loves you. Sometimes, life gets in the way and through this beautiful gesture, you will remind him why you two have still got it.

11. A simple apology goes a long way

Sometimes, it’s not the other person who is always at fault. If your marriage is breaking down then there are chances that both of you are at fault.

At times, people find it hard to accept this. If none of you is doing something about it, then well, your ego is getting in the way. So, the best way to clear the air is to simply apologize to him for all the times you have hurt him.

However, you must expect an apology from his side as well, since you are both in this together.

Remember, mistakes are usually made on both sides –understand this simple concept and you will never ever feel embarrassed in apologizing to one another.

12. Accept the situation

If you deny the fact that your marriage is showing signs of a breakup, you will end up suffering more. Thus, stop the denial and accept the situation.

It is obvious that the problems that you are facing right now do not have a quick fix. You need to understand the current situation and find appropriate solutions for it. Things will not become normal until you do something about it. 

Do not try to justify his hostile and abusive behavior. It is advisable to set your priorities and talk to him openly.

Either take professional help by visiting a relationship coach or couples therapist or you can try to work out issues at home. Pieces of advice from marriage counseling can heal the broken bond more easily and leads to a healthy relationship.

13. Stop blaming yourself for the failed marriage

Do not take the onus of your husband’s wrath and negative behavior on yourself. You must have tried out so many ways to save your marriage but it never worked.

Do not try to make yourself better to fit in his desired frame. It won’t help because abusive and insecure men never change themselves.

It is not desirable to beat yourself up and feel guilty for something that you have not done. If you blame yourself, you will become more weak and submissive and your husband will take advantage of this.

You will lose your fighting spirit and comeback may become impossible.

14. Do not overreact

If you overreact on the heat of the moment, you may end up messing things more. Be calm and control your emotions as much as possible.

This paves the way for a healthy communication. Never lash out in violence even if it is a fair deal. It will backfire and you may not be able to deal with your husband.

The best way is to master your emotions and deal with situations rationally.

Never allow your anger or sadness to override your thoughts; it will create a negative spiral from which escape shall become hard and impossible.

15. Move away from the situation

You can take a break from your house and go and stay somewhere else for a few days. This really helps because you get some time away from conflicts and abuses to rewind and analyze the situation.

When you create some physical distance, you get a chance to heal emotionally and calm down the triggers for the time being. You can think peacefully and arrive at a good decision.

Parting words from ‘ThePlesantRelationship’

Whether it’s 18 pm, 29 pm or 49 pm, at any time of the day, you can decide to turn your married life around.

Remember, mistakes and misunderstandings are made on both sides, usually and good and frequent communication between two people can solve most of the problems.

However, you shouldn’t do that just because your friends and family want you to.

Think about your problems with your husband and also understand that it is okay to leave a marriage if you are not feeling it.

If you have been physically, mentally or emotionally abused by your husband at some point in life, you do not have to save your marriage and let it fall apart because this is something that shouldn’t be forgiven.

The same is the case if he is cheating on you and you have concrete evidence to prove it. There is life beyond marriage and perhaps you should consider this option as well.

Are you interested to know more about ‘A Loving Anniversary Letter for Husband’ then click here?