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Why is Vulnerability in Relationships so Important and You Can Build it?

Why is Vulnerability in Relationships so Important and You Can Build it?

Updated on Oct 28, 2022 | Published on Sep 29, 2022

Reviewed by Julianne Cantarella, MSW, LSW , Certified Relationship Coach

Why is Vulnerability in Relationships so Important and You Can Build it

Hollywood romanticized the idea that vulnerability in relationships happens under the starry sky, looking deep into one’s eyes, and sharing things that only your journal has read… but the reality is a bit different.

Being vulnerable in relationships means you’ll share your long-term shut-down side. You must take out your strong metal mask and show them a tender and delicate face that even you didn’t see. It’s a powerful way to connect with your loved one mentally and physically.

However, it’s easier said than done!

Most people struggle with it, and if you’re one of them, welcome… let me help you walk out of this misery in this think-piece.

So, let’s begin!

What is vulnerability in relationships?

Summary
When you show your vulnerable self to your partner, i.e., the side that is full of dark secrets and not-so-happy past, that brings vulnerability in relationships.

Vulnerability is a buzzword in relationship therapy, thanks to the research work of professor Brene Brown from the University of Houston. She tells us to have the courage to be imperfect, creative, and brave in relationships.

Everybody has different experiences in their lives. Most of us weren’t taught about healthy emotions or healthy relationships. This made us take unhealthy paths just to avoid difficult conversations, as we grew older.

A partner may shut the other one out, or ghost them only because they struggle with opening up.

One of the best ways to understand this is when your partner seems indifferent seeing someone hitting on you. They probably struggle with insecurity and abandonment issues. But instead of sounding weak, they resort to “the silent treatment”.

Vulnerability means sharing tender parts of your life that you don’t do with everyone. It is reserved for only a few people in your life who won’t judge you for anything.

It doesn’t matter what you share with them because it feels comfortable. A beautiful example of vulnerability in relationships is when you create a safe space between you both where you can share anything without any judgments.

You allow each other to be their authentic, raw, and naked selves, and that kind of relationship is bliss.

However, people often have the wrong idea about relationship vulnerability, so let’s find that out…


What vulnerability is not in relationships?

Summary
Vulnerability in relationships doesn’t imply you’re weak, a narcissist, or will overshare everything with everyone.

Now that we have understood what vulnerability is, let’s understand what it’s not.

It takes a lot to express the problems you spent years buried in your heart, but vulnerability is not a sign of weakness.

You won’t become a narcissistic partner who wants to gain sympathy and make everything in the relationship about themselves. In fact, it’s the opposite.

It doesn’t mean you’ll give your partner an ‘upper hand’. I know you wanna be careful to not get hurt by someone, but trust me, you are okay.

You feel uncertain if they will accept you or not, but it’s fine because the little child who was told to swallow their emotions doesn’t want to do that anymore.

They are courageous and confident to open up their struggles and create a new safe space for themselves.

Vulnerability is not the same as oversharing, too. You need vulnerability for closeness and connection but that doesn’t mean you share an abundance of personal details with everyone… rather it happens with just a few people like your romantic partner.

Oftentimes, people mistake vulnerability for a type of narcissism. However, you must know about the narcissistic personality traits that can show up during these crucial moments. 

A vulnerable narcissist in a relationship is hyper-sensitive to emotions, rejections, and difficult talks.

On the other hand, grandiose narcissists have a sense of entitlement over the relationship. They flee away from having meaningful discussions and become hostile when confronted.

In both cases, the bond will start turning into an abusive relationship. If you feel like you have a narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) it’s better to seek help than stab your relationship.

I am sure your partner will support you through thick and thin because it’s very important to be vulnerable with the one you love. Why? Let’s see this in the next section.


Why is vulnerability in relationships so important? – 20 Benefits 

Making a relationship last long takes more work than building one. If you do not allow yourself to work on your relationship problems, the root causes won’t be solved and you will always find yourself at crossroads.

If you find someone you are willing to spend the rest of your life with, it will be a challenge for you to open up your vulnerable side by facing your fears. It may seem scary at the moment but I promise, it’s worth it. Here’s why!

1. Your emotional needs are fulfilled

Sometimes, we think we want something… but in reality, we need something else.

Since you grew up in an environment where vulnerability wasn’t practiced from an early age… you have no idea what emotional needs are required for a healthy relationship.

Your wants will only bring temporary peace because when needs aren’t met, the problem gets postponed instead of being solved. This is why vulnerability is so important in relationships.

When you open yourself up, your partner can understand you better. They’ll cater to your needs and emotions better than before. And naturally, you will find your romantic relationship in a much better place.

2. You’re loved the way you want to be loved

Everyone deserves to be loved the right way. If you wear the mask all your life, your tender self will never get the desired love.

Yes, you can act strong. You have done that all your life, but aren’t you tired and exhausted by now? Don’t you want to know what it feels like to be loved the right way?

That can only happen when you introduce your vulnerable side to your partner. They will start understanding you on a deeper level and speak your love language.

3. You build soul-level intimacy

Intimacy is a powerful thing. It goes beyond the body and touches your soul.

With open and honest conversations, you bare your soul and your partner can offer you love like never before. Even with a simple hug, you feel the warmth in your soul.

With stronger emotional intimacy, your physical intimacy will also blossom. After all, being intimate at all levels makes a relationship beautiful and blissful.

4. You love yourself more

When your partner supports and accepts you in your most fragile state, you start accepting yourself too.

It helps you fight your insecurities and learn to appreciate yourself. Over time, this acceptance helps you love yourself and also love your partner.

5. Empathy starts flowing

Empathy is a beautiful thing in a relationship. When you start practicing vulnerability with your partner, you will be surprised how well both of you connect.

When you start expressing things you’ve never shared before, it helps you develop a new perspective and gauge new experiences. This naturally helps you build empathy for your partner and for the world at large.

6. You will create a new perspective

We all have some part of our life behind closed doors. Only when you let them out, do you understand that there are others too, just like you. Maybe your partner has similar experiences and an equally dark side. So, let those feelings out to relate to them more.

This will finally help you realize that no one’s perfect and you start accepting their flaws wholeheartedly. You start loving them for who they are and that is beautiful.

7. It helps you identify red flags

There can be several red flags in a relationship which you often seem to dismiss. For example, while sharing your weak side to each other you found out that your partner supports infidelity or that you partner wouldn’t mind a one-night-stand.

I know this sounds very scary, but it’s always better to know than bear damage that’s irreversible.

If you’re not on the same page as your partner, reconsider this relationship because it will only lead to hurt and sorrow.

8. You feel worth it

The more you open yourself up, the more you will be relieved. And if your partner accepts all of you with no complaints, you will feel worth it. You will experience love in a new way.

You will start feeling worthy of the love you have right now. It also helps you develop a better relationship with your own self. And that’s how healthy relationships last a lifetime.

9. You feel comfortable like never before

Now, this one is tricky because you don’t really see your comfort, you feel it.

Initially, when you struggle with vulnerability, it takes a lot for you to let out that weak side and it makes you feel uncomfortable.

But once you do it and you find the solace in your partner that you were expecting, you’ll experience a new kind of comfort.

Over time, this comfort allows you to feel safe around your partner and they start becoming a home for you.

10. You can develop trust

There’s no vulnerability in your relationship (yet) because you struggle to trust your partner. You feel nervous, scared, anxious, panicky, and a million other feelings.

Trust me, I know how bad it can get. But once you do, you will see how beautiful it is to trust someone.

It’s so satisfying to know that your partner will be there with you, no matter what. They will hold your hand in the toughest of situations, not just the merry ones. You know that they will stay and put effort into this relationship just like you do.  

11. You’ll have the right person by your side

All this trust and vulnerability is to ensure just one thing: You must have the right person by your side.

Once you show a different side of yourself, their reactions and actions will be a good proof of what they perceive of this relationship.

The empathetic side will help you gauge whether or not you wish to spend the rest of your life with them and build a family.

12. You grow better

Brene Brown, a research professor mentioned in her TedTalk that Vulnerability is the birthplace of creativity, innovation, and change. It is an emotional process that needs you to be open, with yourself and your partner.

If you really love your partner and are willing to make this work, you need perseverance. Life will throw trials to challenge the strength of your relationship and if you don’t fight it, the relationship will never grow.

13. You deal better with negative thoughts

When you struggle to open up, your negative thoughts remain within yourself. Over time it can transform into unhealthy ways like anger, and narcissistic abuse in relationships. I am sure you don’t want that.

So, it’s always wise to let out all the negative emotions and deal with it… now better than later. Remember, sharing how you feel will only help you understand each other and running away will only make things worse.

This will help you in your personal life as well. You’ll understand yourself more and find better ways to cope with those thoughts in the future.

14. You deal with hurt better

In any long-term relationship, partners hurt each other (unintentionally). But you must understand each other to reconcile. Marriage and family therapists say that vulnerability with your partner (if you hurt them) helps to recover faster.

How? 

When the partner sees that you are truly sorry for what you did, their perception changes. They forgive you and trust develops again. Moreover, it also creates an understanding that you won’t do anything that hurts your partner again.

With that, peace starts flowing within your romantic life.

15. It helps you find support

When you become open and vulnerable about the harsh struggles of your life…  your partner understands your perspective better.

This way, they will support you to overcome those feelings and get better. In worse cases, they will also motivate you to seek a mental health professional and seek therapy to get out of the dark hole.

That kind of support and comfort is only possible when you overcome your fear and trust them with your life.

16. It reduces conflict between you two

If you practice vulnerability, you won’t be at emotional risk with your partner. Both of you will have open communication, intimacy, and enough sensibility to deal with all the arguments peacefully.

As a result, there are fewer conflicts and even fewer problems to solve. Even if you have arguments, rather than taking destructive measures, there will be honest communication. The issues will not be stretched and you will heal faster.

17. You have a sense of belonging

Vulnerability makes you comfortable with your needs and insecurities. It helps you regulate your emotions and deal with them.

Since you don’t feel weighed down by fear of resentment, there’s less shame. This also helps you develop a sense of belongingness in your relationships.

You begin to understand being vulnerable is worth the risk because they are there with you. That’s all that matters.

18. You appreciate what you have

Why do we have negative thoughts about our past? Because things were different than expected. That causes hurt, resentment, and anger.

When you start opening up about all those emotions, you start appreciating what you have right now –your partner. You start appreciating their flaws and strengths, both alike.

Suddenly the things that hurt you all these years won’t matter anymore and you’ll be happy with the love that you have.

19. You feel satisfied

Fulfillment is really important in a healthy relationship. It doesn’t mean having a sense of entitlement over happiness. It means you are ready to face whatever life throws at you.

You’ll no longer shut yourself out during the conflict, you will face it. And when that happens, you will no longer have complaints – you will be content.

20. It deepens the bond with others as well

When you heal yourself, you understand things better. Not just in your relationship but with everyone around you.

Your vulnerability helps you get over the hurt from others. You forgive people, yet maintain your distance. You begin to have healthy relationships with everyone only because you conquered your fear.

No matter what the relationship is, vulnerability is the key to forming a closer and more authentic bond with your person.

It knocks down the walls that you built around yourself and find a new sense of being.

However, showing vulnerabilities is pretty tough… wondering why? Here’s your answer…


Why is it so difficult to be vulnerable in a relationship?

Summary
Being vulnerable in a relationship is difficult as it’s hard to understand and accept your emotions. It’s also because most people feel it’s a sign of weakness and it allows others to hurt them.

It’s okay to struggle with vulnerability. Emotional openness with your partner is not a done-and-dusted task. It takes a lot of effort to understand your emotions rather than denying your feelings. And this is where most people step back.

Vulnerability is seen as a sign of weakness (which it isn’t) and most people create a wall around them to avoid getting hurt. They fear that if they are raw and open with someone, their feelings will get hurt. People will leave them breaking their hearts into a million pieces.

Vulnerability encourages you to bring out the most authentic version of yourself, it allows you to process the emotions buried inside of you all this time. But crossing the line is scary and instead of going through this taxing process, they simply plan to avoid it.

Well, I am not gonna say it is entirely wrong. Because the pain they have suffered in the past has caused them to create a metal wall around their heart. This wall makes them feel safe knowing that no one can ever hurt it again.

You might think that avoiding that difficult conversation will solve it, but you are wrong. A distant, non-communicative, and emotionally unavailable partner will never be able to develop a healthy and sustainable relationship.

They might desire closeness and affection but when you can’t express what you feel, it will only result in conflicts, arguments, and teary nights. All this causes you to miss a lot of things in your relationship which you’ll find out more about in the next section.


What happens when vulnerability is missing in a relationship?

Summary
Due to the lack of vulnerability in a relationship, you won’t understand each other’s thoughts and emotions, feel disconnected, and avoid communication out of fear of conflicts. Your relationship feels dissatisfying and might even become a vulnerable narcissist… which will lead to a breakup.

If you’ve always kept yourself behind bars… especially in romantic relationships or friendships… it can backfire on your love life.

Your partner will not be able to understand your thoughts and feelings, and you both will start disconnecting from each other. You won’t feel like having a conversation because you know it might end up in a fight.  There will be no support, and you will start blaming them rather than owning your feelings.

The bond itself gets less satisfying, and your relationship may be even more susceptible to breaking. The feeling of loneliness affects you in both ways: emotionally and physically. Lack of empathy makes you hide things from your partner. You won’t be comfortable sharing things with them anymore.

You will start being a vulnerable narcissist and become hyper-sensitive during intimate, difficult conversations… and eventually it will be the end of your relationship.

Vulnerability issues in relationships will end up breaking both of your hearts again. So, don’t do that to yourself. But, if you struggle to be vulnerable, let me help you with that…


How to be vulnerable in a relationship? – 21 Ways

You’d be surprised… but most people have no idea how to be vulnerable in relationships. Yes… it’s not just you, so stop feeling so ashamed.

You might not know but hundreds or thousands of others are on the same journey as you are. So, trust yourself… tell yourself that you can achieve it… take a deep breath and get on this journey…

1. Define your vulnerability

Your childhood environment has a lot of influence on your definition of vulnerability. That’s why you struggle to open up.

Maybe it was seen as a sign of weakness that you don’t want to have in your romantic relationships. This led you to develop a narcissistic personality that affects you in processing deep emotions.

Whatever the reason might be, your definition of vulnerability isn’t clear yet. And if it isn’t clear, you will never understand what you actually need from your partner.

So, before starting out, address your own emotions. Understand what vulnerability means to you. And how do you see yourself growing after being vulnerable? Processing these thoughts first will keep you safe from the damage during those difficult conversations.

2. Be aware of yourself

When you have developed a habit of avoiding emotions and thoughts for a long time, you obviously lose sight of yourself. That’s why you don’t feel safe.

But to practice vulnerability, you must dig deeper and understand your emotions. Take a journal or seek help from a counselor and understand your emotions. It will definitely help you understand yourself and your partner better.

 3. Soothe yourself first

For people who have never found solace in someone, going in all at once can be overwhelming. So, instead of being harsh on yourself, calm your heart down and follow a self-soothing process.

A self-soothing process requires you accept and deal with all your negative emotions. I know, it is easier said than done. But it’s pretty difficult to bear all the underlying emotions. So, take it slow… over time it will make you strong and confident.

And if you want you can use some of my preferred soothing methods like engaging in positive self-talk, taking deep breaths, and letting it out all at once (trust me, this helps). 

4. Have regular check-ins with your partner

It may sound cliché but it’s actually helpful. Sometimes you might cry for no reason only because it was overwhelming to control those emotions.

Do you know what could have helped in those times? A person to talk to.

Schedule a regular conversation about the emotional moments in your week to bond with your partner better.

You will also find yourself processing emotions in a better, calm way. Initially, you may feel weird but eventually, I promise, it’ll be something you will look forward to.

5. Leave your comfort zone behind

Listen, it’s important to knock down that huge wall of emotional security to understand how to improve vulnerability.

I know how scary it will be. But only by embracing the scarier conversations, you can put your fears behind you.

Step out of your comfort zone and open up about the hard stuff. It will be a challenging and uncomfortable journey, but what awaits you at the end line will make it all worth it.

6. Talk to yourself in the mirror

This practice is often seen in couples’ therapy. But hey, You have a relationship with yourself as well, don’t you? So, instead of a partner, talk to yourself in the mirror.

Talk positively about yourself. Look in the mirror and give yourself a pep talk. Look at yourself with love and compassion and pat yourself at the back to have come so far. This will help you come out of your shell and start embracing yourself.

7. Share your truth

The basic understanding of vulnerability is sharing your absolute truth. If you’ve had a disturbing and unfortunate incident in your relationship, you need to speak about it without filters.

Similarly, if you feel thankful for your partner, show it to them. Appreciate their efforts and show gestures that you love them. If you feel loved, share it too (it’s better to hug it out as well).

And don’t share just the good stuff, if you feel insecure or ashamed, share that feeling as well.

Maybe the reality is different and it’s all a misunderstanding. So, share the truth as early as you can to save yourself from misunderstandings and regular arguments in your everyday life.

8. Be a better listener

You might not understand it yet, but being vulnerable also means being a good listener. Listen to how you speak with yourself and your partner.

Words really make a big impact and if you aren’t cautious, your healing process will be delayed. Listen to your partner and understand their needs.

Maybe your fear is nothing compared to the situation. Just by listening you can solve important things in your relationship. It saves you from the big hole of overthinking, I can assure you of that.

9. Name a fear

We all have fears. In a relationship, it can be fear of losing that person or fear of commitment, or fear of getting replaced by your partner. I am sure you have one too.

Possibly, your fear is also responsible for causing unnecessary fights between you two. So, if you aren’t ready to explore deeper emotions with your partner, start by naming a fear.

Tell them why you have developed it (if there’s a story behind it). Open up for a deeper understanding of your relationship and your satisfaction with each other won’t budge down.

10. Take responsibility of your feelings

Stop blaming someone else for your thoughts and emotions now. If you don’t take responsibility for your feelings, your relationship will eventually become stagnant.

You will stop understanding each other and this might affect your life. So, let go of your defensive mechanism to form intimate connections with your partner.

Think about it like this: there’s power in showing how powerless you are.

When you do this, your partner will also empathize with you, and keep you close during your weak moments.

11. Seek professional help

Please understand this, baring yourself open in front of someone else is a herculean task. It’s possible that you might feel weak or depressed once you start the process.

So, it’s better to seek professional help from a licensed therapist. They can actually help you understand yourself (the first rule of being vulnerable) and aid in processing emotions in a better way.

In most cases, emotional trauma makes people adopt narcissistic personality traits that make them difficult to deal with current emotions.

With a therapist, you will learn the truth about yourself and with time and trust, you will surely progress a lot.

12. Join support groups

It’s natural for you to relate with people with similar experiences. The empathy that you feel for their struggle and hardships is unlike anything else.

So, now that you decided to bring vulnerability in your relationship, it’s okay to go out and seek help from support groups.

Take the help of social media or the internet. Sitting with like-minded people will give you the strength to open up about yourself and let out your buried emotions.

13. Admit to your fears

Your partner won’t know your fear of vulnerability unless you tell them, isn’t it? So, bring up the courage to admit to them why it is difficult for you to open up.

If it’s something from the past where you tried to share your feelings and they shut you out, then narrate that story to them.

This will help them understand why you hesitate to open up more. They will connect with your mental state and guide you on how you can do it better.

In the end, tell them you are working on yourself and ask how you did today. This keeps you accountable, makes communication easier, and builds intimacy.

14. Seek clarity if you don’t understand

If your partner says something but you failed to understand it the first time, ask your partner to explain at the time. Tell them to explain once more. It encourages them to share things in a better way but it is only possible when you trust your partner.

This can clarify your doubt and encourage you to not get scared. This also increases your willingness to show your soft side to your partner. That helps your relationship to become vulnerable and improves satisfaction on both ends.

15. Share what you feel immediately

If you keep bottling your emotions, it will eventually lead to frustration. So how can you prevent it? Just let it out, buddy. Admit that something is bothering you and tell them.

It can help your partner to address the problem immediately and prevent you from overthinking the situation.

You don’t always have to speak up. You can write them down on paper or even text. This way your partner will also understand your desire to work on this relationship and put in their efforts too.

16. Appreciate their support

This is one of the softest ways you can be vulnerable and romantic with your partner. A loving relationship has immense support and care for one another. And most times, we fail to appreciate these little things.

So, if you struggle with vulnerability, start appreciating their support for you. Your partner will feel heard and so loved by you, that you will see it in their eyes.

As for you, you will unlock doors to a deep emotional connection with your partner. Isn’t that a great start? I would say a yes.

17. Speak about a recent experience

One way to open up your thoughts is to discuss the current ongoing things in your life. It helps your partner understand you.

Simply start with the facts and share how this experience impacted you. Maybe it’s something that hurts you deeply. This will help you to share the deep truths as well. I promise you will be happy to see how much positivity flows between both of you.

18. Share your goals

I am sure you have several short-term and long-term goals in mind.

Share a few with your partner and tell them why it is so important to you. It will create an understanding between both you and your partner and will also help you achieve them.

If you’ve made the right pick, your partner will become your biggest cheerleader and they will be excited to watch you succeed. But you can have all this only when you leave your fear of rejection behind.

19. Reveal a mistake you made

Talking about your mistake is also a good step to practicing vulnerability.

We often face awkward social situations that may have gone better. Maybe you were rude, maybe you lashed out because of stress, or you hurt someone with your words unintentionally. These are small mistakes that most of us commit to.

Mistakes can be pretty deep and hurtful as well. For example, maybe you cheated when your past relationship ended and it left a big scar on your ex.

Share these mistakes with your partner to reveal your authentic self. Your partner will love that you’re trying to become a better person.

Not only that, your relationship will also help you improve. You’ll get better at handling your mood and the people around you.

20. Set boundaries

Being vulnerable in relationships is great, but you must also learn how not to be vulnerable in relationships.

What does that mean?

You must set boundaries for yourself. The vulnerability allows you to share sensitive moments with your partner but you mustn’t lose sight of your privacy.

You may want to keep a few things to yourself and that is absolutely fine but make sure you communicate that to your partner.

21. Be optimistic and grateful

I am sure that if you have the right person by your side, they will be receptive to your emotions. They will likely appreciate you for the honest conversations. Thank them for listening to you. Even if it’s not the reaction you expected, don’t feel low. Express it to them but don’t go back to the same fort again.

Be proud of yourself that you overcome your fear and beat that discomfort.

You are learning to be better and that’s all that matters. Isn’t it?

Though easier said than done, trust yourself and start slowly. You cannot be in that emotional rut anymore. You love this person and want to spend a life with them. So, take matters into your own hands and be the person they deserve.

At the same time, you will also find a new relationship with yourself, your inner child which will heal in its own way. So do not postpone that process. Embrace it.

But if your partner struggles with vulnerability, here are some ways to push them…


How to encourage your partner to be more vulnerable?

Vulnerability makes your relationship strong. Initially, it may put you in a tough spot but eventually it helps you to strengthen it.

By now, you know how making someone vulnerable is beautiful but an overwhelming process.

So, if your partner struggles with it, you need to encourage them. Here’s how you can do it.

1. Show your soft side

The best way to push someone out of their shell is to first step out of your own. Let out your own dark side and they’re more than likely to reciprocate it.

Build a safe space for them, a place free of judgments and decree. This will give them a sense of comfort and motivate them to let you in that strong wall.

2. Start Slow

If you put too much pressure on your partner, they will instead become even more rigid. The fear will come rushing back and they will crawl back into their shell.

So, instead, start slow and try to make them feel comfortable and slowly, encourage them to share everything that’s been weighing them down.

Share about your relationship and what it means to you. It will strengthen the trust between both of you and make them believe that you’re genuine.  

3. Never, NEVER judge!

If you judge your partner for their past, it will make your relationship toxic and you both will hide things from each other. Fear of judgment and fear of rejection are two things that prevent vulnerability.

So, if you reassure them of the love and acceptance, trust will follow and they will be more confident in sharing their deep, dark secrets.

4. Reinforce your trust zone

The building block of every healthy relationship is trust.

When you start trusting one another, you feel safe knowing that your partner has your back. They will become your home, your comfort space, and give them the strength to let out their real self.

Start by sharing some of your secrets and ask them to share one of theirs too.

5. Ask open-end questions

This is yet another great way to encourage them to have an honest conversation with you. Wherever you start an emotional conversation or a deep philosophical topic, start by speaking your mind.

Once you are done, ask them questions like “what do you think about this” or “how does this make you feel?” This will help them be aware of their emotions and express them to you.

A word from ThePleasantRelationship

In the end, all that matters is how you feel about your partner. Vulnerability brings people together. If two people are really in love with each other, they’ll make efforts to be vulnerable in a relationship. Even if that means, opening up your raw inner self.

Love binds us, and love heals us. Trust your relationship to help you overcome the discomfort and you will be blessed to enjoy the beautiful ride, thereafter!

All the best!

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